How to practice saying “no”

I don’t practice “Yes, and…”. I practice “No, but…”.

I’ve spoken a few times (and especially on social media) about having ADHD. My particular flavor of neurodivergence comes with a heavy dose of people-pleasing. I derive some of my ‘self’ net worth from helping others. It’s a superpower when you’re a service provider who drives business improvements for clients. It’s a detriment (in many ways) when you sacrifice your health and well being to work longer, harder hours. Others knew this about me.

I was “dependable” and “reliable” in my yearly evaluations. But under the surface were comments like “he does too much”, “is stretched too thin”, and my favorite “I wish he could clone himself.”

“Yes, and…” is a rule-of-thumb in improvisational comedy that suggests that an improviser should accept what another improviser has stated and then expand on that line of thinking.

Creatives are often told to “roll with it” or “be flexible” with changes and deadlines because the opinions of others are often the benchmark of success. We’re asked to “Yes, and…” every bit of feedback, change priorities on the fly based on who is making a request, or often put into extremely tight deadlines to create or remake entire campaigns on a whim.

This is not sustainable. And I burned out many, many times.

Then I learned to move away from “Yes, and…” into “No, but…”.

Steve Jobs is quoted as saying “Focusing is all about saying no.” And he was right. “No” allows us to put up boundaries. It allows us to put focus on the things that are most important in our lives. But for people-pleasing people, “No” brings guilt and often shame because we cannot help another. 

“No, but…” is a softer way to reject a request while allowing the opportunity to help a person in need.

For example, if someone asks if you can speed up your turnaround time on something because they missed their deadline, you can respond with “No, but I can get it done by this date...” Or, if someone interrupts your day to ask you to format a report for them, you can respond with “No, but I can show you how I format the report so you aren’t reliant on me for this in the future.”

It doesn’t work for every situation. There are times we must actually drop everything we’re doing and put out a fire. But the practice of prioritization and focus has given me clarity to what is most important around me. Sticking to my boundaries and empowering those around me to help themselves whenever possible has created better work and healthier relationships with clients and—most importantly—myself.

 I encourage you to try it out as well.